Contest: Design it, Win it!

I like to make felt pins. Cute and simple ones usually, but I think I'm ready for a challenge. And what better way to do so than to formally announce Free Crappy Portraits' first contest! All you have to do is think up a weird, strange, creative, somewhat offensive, or unusual design for a pin. If you win, I will make you one according to your description.

Feel free to say as much: "I'd love a bluebird wearing a large orange beehive wig playing the bassoon on the surface of Mars!"
Or as little as you like: "Pooping cloud"

Anything you say in the description will be included! Please limit one entry per person.

To enter, leave a comment here with your email address and what you'd want your pin to look like. I'll pick my favourite, email the winner to get their address, make the pin according to their description and then mail it them! I'll also throw in a couple other free surprises to sweeten the deal.

The contest closes on Sunday, July 24 2011 at midnight PST!

International entries are welcome!

If you have any questions, please email freecrappyportraits@gmail.com

Eat Poop You Cat

Core members of Free Crappy Portraits along with fabled circus strong man Phil R. played a round of Eat Poop You Cat.

Here are the normal rules: Each player starts with a piece of paper and a pencil. At the top of the paper, each player writes a sentence. Then they pass the papers to their left. The next player "draws" the sentence a la Pictionary, then folds the paper so only the drawing is visible and passes it to their left. The next player looks at the drawing and writes a sentence that they think the drawing represents. This continues until all players have their original paper back. At the end, all players unfold their paper, and much hilarity ensues.

Since participants were in multiple time zones, the game was played over email. Roz D. was our fantastic moderator and we all owe her cakes.

 Rj: What game shows mean to me

Alyssa: Tell 'em Johnny...what has our lovely contestant won behind door #2? It's a donkey show minus the show. It rocks back and forth but the network will be black box any motion the poor lil' bugga makes.

Sarah: In 1971, I chose Door Number 2 on Let's Make A Deal and won a Disco Donkey.

Kristin: Things were never the same after the pony murders in apartment 2.

Mattycakes: "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!!" said the man from door two as he encountered a gruesome scene: countless great danes with fauxhawks being stabbed mercilessly by invisible hands.

Phil: A school marm checks dormitory #2 to discover an alien race of sentient knives murdering a pack of London punk-rocker dogs.

WHAT GAME SHOWS MEAN TO ME

26 Ways to Kill a Monkey: Part 1

A few years ago I was in a long-distance relationship with my now-husband Nick. We would make each other little gifts to send in the mail. Here is a book I made him called "26 Ways to Kill A Monkey." It's a rip-off of Edward Gorey's Gashlycrumb Tinies (it doesn't even attempt a clever rhyming scheme) and no, I really don't condone the slaughter of innocent monkeys. Enjoy A—M!

Check back next week for Part 2: N–Z!

Vacation 2005

In the summer of 2005 my family and I went on vacation. We were driving from our small northern Illinois town to visit relatives in Pennsylvania, followed by a few days of sight-seeing in Washington DC, and ending the week-long excursion with a trip to the completely awesome Cedar Point in Ohio. We almost always drove when we went on family vacations, so to fill hours of time, we always had to get creative. Me and my sisters, Amy and Lindsey, decided to keep a travel journal for this particular vacation. What follows are a few of my favourite excerpts and proof that crappy art runs in the family:

"Travel Tip #1: Do not argue with Dad about the air conditioning—he always wins—it will always be on HIGH!"

Our dad is fairly notorious for his extreme use of air conditioning. The five of us shared a hotel room, which made for plenty of intense temperature battles when it was time to go to sleep. I think Dad expected my sisters and I to all share a bed and huddle together for warmth, but none of us were particularly fond of being that close together. So the three of us would split up: one in the bed and the other two on the floor on opposite sides of the room, each with a single solitary thin blanket, shivering ourselves to sleep while Dad snored happily away in his nearly sub-zero heaven.

"Travel Tip #2: Don't wear the same shirt two days in a row—especially if you have B.O."

Here is a documented exchange between my parents:

Mom: "What are you doing? Are you washing the stains off your shirt?! You are NOT wearing a shirt with stains!"

Dad: "There's only three."

This is the infamous "Duane" list. I don't quite remember how this started, but it was the beginning of something all of us found fantastically funny. Basically, we spent hours coming up with every possible way to alter the spelling of "Duane" we could think of. I believe the final count is over 250 different ways.

Dad steps in to inform everyone about the dangers of dogs with 3.15 legs.

 

Dad usually drove the entire trip, but since he is a slow driver Mom would occasionally take over to make better time. She was more of a reckless driver than Dad, as you can see in this quality sketch drawn by Amy.

When I think of Washington DC, I don't think of the museums, the history, or the monuments... I think of squirrels eating Doritos.

Lindsey and her astounding ability to pound down massive amounts of dairy products is a site to be seen. I've seen her drain a quarter gallon container of chocolate milk in less than ten minutes and devour three separate ice cream treats in an afternoon. This was drawn by Mom who seems fairly proud of her youngest daughter's accomplishments.

Amy had a few accidents involving her swim suit top at one of the hotel pools. A man sat and watched us the entire time, rapidly speaking Spanish to someone on his cell phone about all the breasts he was witnessing that afternoon.

Bonus fact: this was lucky number 6 in the number of pools I have thrown up in. Remember to always wait an hour after eating!

This excellent survey of perspective was drawn by Lindsey while we were waiting for nearly an hour at an incredibly slow "tool" booth. When we finally drove up to the booth, the operator told Mom "Have a good one, baby."

Documented conversation:

Lindsey: "Mom, you can't get a hernia, right?" Women can't get hernias."

Mom: "Anyone can get hernias, men or women. *long pause* I can't get a scrotal hernia."

And finally, the jewel of the journal: Dad's clothing log. We've always been obsessed with our Dad's fashion sense. He is an advocator of the "breast pocket" where one can store many notes and sheets of paper, hats with a tie, socks with sandals, and fanny packs. My all-time favourite ensemble was what we called "the candy corn outfit." It featured a bright orange shirt with a large yellow stripe worn tucked into a pair of white shorts. Endless amounts of teasing has brought an end to this pairing, but I still remember it fondly.

 

Do you have a favourite travel memory you would like to share?

Pitchfork Music Festival 2010

My roommate, Myk, lost his camera, found his camera, and lost it again, and decided to overcome his loss by recreating his experience at the 2010 Pitchfork Music Festival in true Free Crappy Portraits' style.  Popular opinion is that these are far better than the actual photos he took.

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The first time FCP made a child cry

One special friend of Free Crappy Portraits, is Allison D., pictured left in the ridiculous clown hair, who happens to be a notable figure in the world of puppetry.  She and her Texan roommate Karen A., pictured right, came to the third public Free Crappy Portraits outing as guest artists.

And ruined a child's life.

It could have been prevented.  One stipulation Rj considered from the outset was to avoid doing portraits for children, especially on public outings, because nothing else, aside from the quality of the art itself, was more likely to distress a supervisor and get the group kicked out of the park. 

But when a single mother meandered up to the fountain, holding the hand of her young son, intending to enjoy a day at the park, Allison's love of children kicked in.  She's known amongst her friends for her eternally positive demeanor and indomitable cheer.  The mother glanced at the portrait table, undoubtedly searching for a trace of business logic or suspecting some kind of religious proselytizing, whereupon Rj shouted one of his less-than-alluring portrait proposals, "Mediocre art - FREE!" and then she had to investigate.  The child pulled his mom up to Allison, full of hope and excitement.  Allison asked him what he would like her to draw.

"Spongebob Squarepants!"  he said, clearly his favorite cartoon.  Just mentioning it, his face alit with the joy of childhood and Rj wondered if this once, it would be okay to allow a child portrait.  The mother seemed okay with it, but declined to be drawn herself. 

So Allison set to work sketching Spongebob.  She drew Spongebob and the child holding hands, as tall as each other, in her own unique wiry-lined pencil contour style. 

In this time, Rj had stepped away from the table to go buy some water.  When he returned, he was surprised to find the mother consoling the child, who was wailing with tears, as Allison apologized for her portrait, not quite sure what had upset him so much.  Perhaps he had expected these public artists to be professionals?

The child explained in gasping breaths, that the circles dotting Spongebob's skin weren't there.  The mother politely thanked the people at the table and led the crying boy away from the park.

They did not take the portrait with them.   

Free Crappy Portraits Music Video

To celebrate the launch, Rj had his roommate Myk Martello, who is most conveniently a youtube-contest-winning musician (see: here) write a song for us.  He did and we liked it so much, Rj made a music video for it.