In the summer of 2005 my family and I went on vacation. We were driving from our small northern Illinois town to visit relatives in Pennsylvania, followed by a few days of sight-seeing in Washington DC, and ending the week-long excursion with a trip to the completely awesome Cedar Point in Ohio. We almost always drove when we went on family vacations, so to fill hours of time, we always had to get creative. Me and my sisters, Amy and Lindsey, decided to keep a travel journal for this particular vacation. What follows are a few of my favourite excerpts and proof that crappy art runs in the family:
"Travel Tip #1: Do not argue with Dad about the air conditioning—he always wins—it will always be on HIGH!"
Our dad is fairly notorious for his extreme use of air conditioning. The five of us shared a hotel room, which made for plenty of intense temperature battles when it was time to go to sleep. I think Dad expected my sisters and I to all share a bed and huddle together for warmth, but none of us were particularly fond of being that close together. So the three of us would split up: one in the bed and the other two on the floor on opposite sides of the room, each with a single solitary thin blanket, shivering ourselves to sleep while Dad snored happily away in his nearly sub-zero heaven.
"Travel Tip #2: Don't wear the same shirt two days in a row—especially if you have B.O."
Here is a documented exchange between my parents:
Mom: "What are you doing? Are you washing the stains off your shirt?! You are NOT wearing a shirt with stains!"
Dad: "There's only three."
This is the infamous "Duane" list. I don't quite remember how this started, but it was the beginning of something all of us found fantastically funny. Basically, we spent hours coming up with every possible way to alter the spelling of "Duane" we could think of. I believe the final count is over 250 different ways.
Dad steps in to inform everyone about the dangers of dogs with 3.15 legs.
Dad usually drove the entire trip, but since he is a slow driver Mom would occasionally take over to make better time. She was more of a reckless driver than Dad, as you can see in this quality sketch drawn by Amy.
When I think of Washington DC, I don't think of the museums, the history, or the monuments... I think of squirrels eating Doritos.
Lindsey and her astounding ability to pound down massive amounts of dairy products is a site to be seen. I've seen her drain a quarter gallon container of chocolate milk in less than ten minutes and devour three separate ice cream treats in an afternoon. This was drawn by Mom who seems fairly proud of her youngest daughter's accomplishments.
Amy had a few accidents involving her swim suit top at one of the hotel pools. A man sat and watched us the entire time, rapidly speaking Spanish to someone on his cell phone about all the breasts he was witnessing that afternoon.
Bonus fact: this was lucky number 6 in the number of pools I have thrown up in. Remember to always wait an hour after eating!
This excellent survey of perspective was drawn by Lindsey while we were waiting for nearly an hour at an incredibly slow "tool" booth. When we finally drove up to the booth, the operator told Mom "Have a good one, baby."
Documented conversation:
Lindsey: "Mom, you can't get a hernia, right?" Women can't get hernias."
Mom: "Anyone can get hernias, men or women. *long pause* I can't get a scrotal hernia."
And finally, the jewel of the journal: Dad's clothing log. We've always been obsessed with our Dad's fashion sense. He is an advocator of the "breast pocket" where one can store many notes and sheets of paper, hats with a tie, socks with sandals, and fanny packs. My all-time favourite ensemble was what we called "the candy corn outfit." It featured a bright orange shirt with a large yellow stripe worn tucked into a pair of white shorts. Endless amounts of teasing has brought an end to this pairing, but I still remember it fondly.
Do you have a favourite travel memory you would like to share?
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I like to make felt pins. Cute and simple ones usually, but I think I'm ready for a challenge. And what better way to do so than to formally announce Free Crappy Portraits' first contest! All you have to do is think up a weird, strange, creative, somewhat offensive, or unusual design for a pin. If you win, I will make you one according to your description.
To enter, leave a comment here with your email address and what you'd want your pin to look like. I'll pick my favourite, email the winner to get their address, make the pin according to their description and then mail it them! I'll also throw in a couple other free surprises to sweeten the deal.
